Fraud

Fraud...  I know that's a strong word with a strong connotation behind it but I felt compelled to write about it this week.  I actually felt compelled to start writing this post during church today - I started writing along the edge of my bulletin and a choir member gave me a piece of paper out of her choir folder so I felt as if I had her support; plus the sermon was about epiphanies and I felt as if I had an epiphany and that where the compulsion to write came from.  I do want to have a disclaimer before I get too much farther into this post (I haven't had a disclaimer for some time) - this post may be a little dark but, as I said, I felt compelled to write it.

There are times I feel like a fraud at work, at church, at dance and even sometimes at home.  I want to take this opportunity to explain why I write that - I'm going to break down each area:

At work, I have felt like a fraud every time I feel as if I'm trying to fake things - which has become more often as of late.  I have been attending different trainings lately and finding out that I have been doing things wrong for the last two years as a manager - not in every aspect of my job but in some pretty significant areas.  I also feel as if I've been a fraud when I tell my staff not to take the job home with them and that work will be available the next day.  I take the stress of my job home with me on a regular basis and will often put in extra hours in order to complete tasks.

There have been moments while sitting in the choir loft at church that I'm waiting to be struck by a bolt of lightning.  Ironically, I don't necessarily feel like that while I'm visiting my parent's church; only when I'm in the church that should accept me since I attend and am a member, do I feel like I'm a fraud and am going to get the lightning bolt.  Why do I feel this way you may ask?  It's an excellent question that I don't necessarily have an excellent answer for...  Up until recently, I felt as if even though I may not necessarily look like I belong in church, in my heart at least I felt as if I belonged there - I don't feel that way anymore.  The congregation at my parent's church is huge so it would be very easy to feel lost but I have never felt that way there.  I feel accepted no matter how I look or my act and I even hear that still/small voice telling me that even though I mess up, that it's okay and I still belong.  At my church, I feel as if it's just a matter of time before my transgression are discovered and made know to everyone and the bolt of lightning is going to strike - and justifiably so.

We are currently working on a new dance choreography at the dance studio and I'm struggling with it.  I am trying to figure out if I'm struggling with it because it's new or if because it's really not my dance style.  Mom is working on a new spectacular costume for me to wear while the troupe dances it so I have to learn it.  Luckily I have almost 8 weeks to learn it and I'm sure I'll be able to but right now I'm struggling.  When I'm on stage (especially when I'm with my trusty sword) I know that I am able to show a confidence when I dance that I don't always feel inside.  I'm just waiting sometimes for the belly dance police (even though they don't exist) to approach me and tell me that I shouldn't be dancing/performing.

Am I feeling this way because in multiple areas of my life I feel unworthy and unlovable?  I just reread what I've written and it strikes me that I really and truly feel that way.  I guess, when it boils down to it, I want to be me no matter where I am.  I don't want to feel as if I have to change who I am based on my location or who I'm with and right now, I feel as if I have to make that change.  Maybe I'm feeling this way after the movie I went to see yesterday where the main character was willing to do whatever it took to be them (I went to see The Danish Girl - very intense/controversial but very good).  This particular concept is one I need to working on embracing for myself.

On that note, I'm going to put this away for tonight and work some on a blanket that I'm currently making for myself.  I've given myself a lot to think about and I'm hoping that I'll be able to work through at least a little bit while my hands are busy working on the blanket.  If you have any suggestions, please feel free to leave me a comment.  Thanks for joining me, my dear readers!  =)