What are you fighting for?

That's a question I don't only ask you but I'm asking myself.  I working on a new belly dance solo choreography and I'm really hoping it works as well when I'm dancing it as I see it in my head.  The particular piece of music I am working with is actually one that my dance instructor has danced to.  When she has danced to it, her movements portray that she is looking for love.  Her movements were soft and long and she just seemed to float across the stage.  My interpretation of the music is a little more "dramatic" than that...

The way I hear this piece of music (and have always heard it) is from the point of view of a slave girl who is begging for and then fighting for her freedom.  My plan is to dance with a veil to begin the dance and in that time I will be asking for my freedom.  I will have my sword placed off stage and at a point in my dance, I will toss the veil aside, grab the sword to continue the dance and "fight."  During this "fight" for freedom, it is my plan to do more dancing with the sword and only balance it a little.  This is going to be a very different dance for me and I am really hoping that it all comes together by the end of the week since that's when the performance is going to be.

Because it's such a different dance for me, I am both excited and apprehension about the upcoming performance.  Yes, I'm always nervous before a performance but I am a little more nervous for this performance than I have been about other shows.  I think part of that stems from 1) not wanting to let other dancers {especially my dance instructor} down and 2) not wanting to lose the dancer I've become in order to try something different.  Granted, I've wanted to dance to a new piece of music for some time now and I just hope this was the right selection.  I guess I'll be able to have a better idea come Saturday night...

I've had some moments this week where I gave up on my workout routines and I'm really not proud of that.  I set a goal for myself that I would really like to meet and feel like rather than going forward in my journey, I might be going a half a step forward and then several back.  I think I just need to get to the point where I see any movement is a positive thing in the sense that at least I'm not being stagnant and just sitting on the couch.  I know that I need to stop obsessing so much over my weight and concentrate on being healthier but at the moment I have struggles with what I see when I look in the mirror.

I have realized for myself over the years that what I see in the mirror isn't necessarily how the rest of the world sees me but I think it's my fear that they do.  I have always been a curvy gal and I am still learning to fully embrace my curviness.  Don't get me wrong; I know that I'll always be curvy and would look funny if I lost them completely (and I don't WANT to lose my curves completely) but I would like to lose the pudge.  I know that I just need to find a way to motivate myself and the workouts one day at a time.  I tried a new workout today that I have to admit I did enjoy but we'll see if that's how I still feel about it when it's time to wake up and workout tomorrow morning.  =)

Something that hasn't helped I'm sure is I've had quite a bit of trouble sleeping this past week -- done a lot of tossing/turning; keep waking up to see what time it is; disturbing dreams have plagued me...  Maybe I need to try some relaxation techniques or something before bedtime.  If you have any thoughts/suggestions, I would be open to hearing them!  On that note, I think I'm going to try some different things before heading to bed tonight.  I wish you beautiful dreams and opportunities to fly your freak flags this week, my dear readers!