Permission

I know that I've written before that I am going to work on giving myself permission to do the things that I want to do and not beat myself up for it later.  I have to report that, so far, I have been unable to accomplish that.  Yesterday, I did two things that were purely selfish (one that I occasionally do and one that I rarely do) and I then look around at all of the things that I should have done instead.  I took myself to see a movie (it's a movie that I saw a couple of weeks ago but there was a lot in it and I wanted to see it again on the big screen while I still had the opportunity) and I then took myself out to eat.  I was okay while I was at the movies but I felt out of place at the restaurant.

When I got to the restaurant, there were quite a few people there and the staff at the check-in podium were passing out the little buzzer things.  I made my way to the podium to check myself in where they told me it would be about a 30 minute wait for a table for one.  I told the hostess that was fine with me and her response was, "really?  You're going to wait for 30 minutes or more by yourself?"  While her response kind of took my aback, I told her again that I was willing to wait for a table and I did.  The wait was longer than expected (so I was glad I had a book with me) and when I was finally seated, I felt as if the patrons in the section I was seated in were looking at me sitting there alone (and I'm sure they weren't and I'm just being sensitive/paranoid).  The food was good (not as good as I really wanted it to be but it was still good) but I do feel as if I made a fool out of myself in front of the waiter.  He was very good looking and I found myself nervous/tongue tied when he would come to the table to ask how things were.  One of the times, he came up behind me (catching me completely off guard) and asked how the food was; like a moron, I answered that everything was "beautiful;" as soon as it came out of my mouth I wanted to pull the words back into my mouth and hide in a hole.  I guess this experience just shows me that I might need to do this more often (even if it's just to continue to educate myself in the art of intelligent conversation with people I don't know).

As I was driving home from the restaurant, the sky was clear and the moon was gorgeous!  Seeing the shine in the sky so brightly, reminded me of a quote from one of my all time favorite movies.  I am a sucker for the movie Practical Magic and can heavily identify with the character of Sally (played by Sandra Bullock).  The scene I was reminded of is where she is writing the letter to her sister.  She writes, 

Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.

I don't know if there was a circle around the moon or anything like that last night but there are times where I feel as if I've had enough circles around the moon to last me for quite some time.  I know that I have to learn to take things in stride and as they come and maybe along with that is working on my armor again.  I had thought I was doing well by removing pieces of it but I feel as if I need to put it back on in order to protect myself.  On the other hand, maybe I need to continue to remove the armor completely (even though I really don't feel ready to do that!) in order to grow as an individual.

One of the ways I am growing as an individual is I bought myself a cookbook this past week.  My parents bought me a really cool cookbook for Christmas and I bought one of the companion books.  I really am trying to make progress along my quest to find myself even if it's just learning one of the basics such as cooking.  I have successfully made some of the recipes in the cookbook Mom and Dad gave me and one of the ones in the newest book so I guess that is progress on one level.

Well, my dear readers, since I've been writing about giving myself permission, I am going to give myself permission to bring this to a close for the evening and curl up under a blanket on the couch with my dogs.  I have been freezing this evening and I'm hoping that I'm not coming down with something (even though it's going around work).  I'm going to drink plenty of orange juice and try and get some rest tonight.  I hope you're able to do the same!