Roller coaster ride

This week has left me feeling like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know which direction it's going to twist/turn next.  I'm trying to hold on as best I can and am also trying not to give myself whiplash in the process.  Neither one of those things is a very easy task...

I've been frustrated with myself over something that happened at work and I'm still working through how to deal with it.  I found myself in a situation that left me feeling backed into a corner and that's not something that I do well with.  That feeling of being backed into a corner usually leaves me with a fight or flight (i.e. shut down mode for me) attitude.  And because of what this particular situation entails, neither fight or shut down mode would be a good option for me right now.

I'm trying to know find a balance between everything that I have to do on a daily basis as well as taking care of myself.  Taking care of myself has once again fallen to the wayside and I can feel it's weighing me down.  I am still attempting to figure out how I'm going to find a way to take care of myself along with the other things that I feel as if I have to do but I know that I also have to figure all of this out before I implode.  I did have an emotional breakdown when I was talking to Mom on the phone today (THANKS for listening/helping, Mom) and I do feel at least a little bit better after letting some of the pent up tears out.  I honestly don't remember the last time I had an emotional meltdown such as the one this afternoon but I probably should do it more often...

One of the things that I was reminded of today is that it really is okay to fail -- the world is not going to come to an end, I'm not going to fall into a hole  -- as long as I dust myself off and try again.  Yes, I am a perfectionist but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to fail at times and I have to be okay with that.  That is something that I know I'm going to struggle with but I do have to start by giving myself permission to fail at times and not fall to pieces because of it.  I have to learn to "fail big and stick around and make them wonder why I'm still smiling" and while I know it's going to be a process but it's a part of the journey that I need to work on and not just run from it.

Other than the emotional roller coaster, I also had two dance gigs this weekend.  On Friday night we had an opportunity to dance at the studio to live music (where the troupe had created a choreography to perform to the live music) and it was a fun night.  I got to see some people I haven't seen in awhile and got to watch some beautiful dancing.  Then last night, I had the opportunity to solo for one of my most favorite dancers in the area for one of her fundraising events (she's the one who I dance for just about every month for her event).  For this performance I didn't use one of the choreographies that I have written but I danced to one of the troupe pieces.  It's one that I have loved ever since the first time I saw it and I've always wanted to dance it as a solo.  The crowd seemed to enjoy it and I felt very good when the performance was over.

Well, since I have had a lot going on between the emotional roller coaster and the dancing, I am going to sign off for tonight and attempt to get some other things done before going to bed.  Luckily I get to have tomorrow off of work so I can mentally/emotionally prepare myself for the week ahead.  Before I do sign off though, let me say a big "thank you" to those who have served and who are serving in the armed forces!