Confession...

I have a confession to make to you, my dear readers...  One of the things that I promised myself at the beginnings of my Quest is that I would use this space as an opportunity to write about my thoughts/feelings without censoring myself.  I need to confess that last week, I censored myself as I wrote my post...

Last week, I wrote "back to why I'm obsessing over this [trying to lose weight/inches before going to visit family]...  I've been thinking about the answer to that for the last few hours and I don't know that I've come up with a really good answer to it...  I don't know if it's because I feel as if I have something to prove or what.  All I do know is this is something that I feel strongly about and I feel as if it's something that I need to do."  Even as I wrote it, I did have one reason that came to mind but I wasn't sure about actually putting it into writing - but even that censorship by omission is something that I didn't want to do when it came to my writing...

So, that being said, I think that one of the reasons I'm obsessing with wanting to lose weight/inches before seeing my family again is because I want to redeem myself in their eyes.  I have said for years and years that I want to lose weight and be smaller but I've done so doing crash diets or have given up on my goals.  The redemption I want to do for myself but also for them (family members).  I guess that also comes from still feeling like I have something to prove after feeling somewhat inadequate still after the divorce.  I don't know if it's just coincidence that these feelings are building up now that we're nearing the anniversary of the wasband leaving or if they're still just latent feelings  All I know is that the feelings are there and I'm trying really hard to not have them consume me.

It seems to me that I'm replacing one obsession with food/eating with working out and I know in my head that neither option is healthy.  I think that one of the things I'm finally trying to do for myself is have my outside match how I feel on the inside -- not necessarily match how, in my head, my reflection looks in the mirror.  There are times I am impressed with the "me" I see in the mirror and other times I see the old me looking back at me from the mirror - the me that hasn't lost any weight at all.  I know that's not the case and that I have done a lot of hard work to get to where I am but at other times I don't feel as if I've done near enough.

And I do realize that when it comes to these issues, I am incredibly biased and hard on myself.  I guess something else to add to the list of things to work on along the journey of my quest.  One of the things that I should point out is none of this pressure is coming from any of my family members but it's pressure that I'm putting on myself.  My family has given me nothing but love and encouragement throughout this whole process.  I am trying not to be overly hard on myself (and for me that's a challenge in and of itself) because I know that will be counterproductive in the long run when it comes to my transformation.

Well my dear readers, the time has come that I need to put this away for the evening in order to head to bed before my busy week ahead.  I will pledge once again to try really hard and not censor my writings and to write what I'm thinking/feeling.