lost

Why is it that lately I have felt as if I am wandering around in the light looking for a light switch in a room that doesn't have one?  I have just felt lost and not even the road map I wrote about last week is helping.  Today I got the opportunity to talk to my oldest nephew for a few moments and what he said just about broke my heart....  He told me to get in my car, drive really fast to beat the sun going down and the moon coming up so I could come and eat pizza with him.  How do I explain to a 4 1/2 year old why Auntie can't just hop in the car and drive to see him when she lives 30+ hours by car away?  I told him that I really wished that I could join him for pizza and to swim with him and have all of the fun that we did when I got to visit but I think he's still waiting for me to show up by car.  Just knowing that I can't makes me sad.

Times like this just really makes me wish that I had someone I could curl up on the couch with and either have a good cry or just be held.  I just feel like at times I am so busy taking care of others that my wants/needs/desires/emotions get pushed to the wayside in the hopes I will one day be able to take care of myself.  Unfortunately, that day just doesn't seem to come.  I know, I know.  I keep saying that I need to find ways to put myself first but I just don't seem to find the opportunity to do so.

Maybe what I need to do is make a list of all of the "me" things that I enjoy doing and try and fit one thing off of the list every week or every other week.  That may or may not be a long shot but it is an attempt to fit some time into my life for myself.  And I'm not talking about alone time because there is plenty of time for me to do that...  Those times where I'm alone are the times I tend to question if there is more that I could do to help others and I know that's not necessarily healthy for myself.  I often push myself beyond my breaking point in order to accomplish what I feel people need from me.  Once again I know in my head that I need to find some sort of a way to say "no" when people "need" me.  I have to determine what is within the realm of my possibility without just automatically saying that I'll do what I can do help them out.

I know that one of things that I need to realize along this journey of mine is that I am worthy and have the divine right to say that I want/need to take time for myself.  That is easier said than done for me and I know that is an internal struggle that I will have to work on for myself in order to make things happen.  I have to be my own advocate and that leaves me in unfamiliar territory.

Well, since I seem to be wandering around lost along the back roads of my own mind tonight, I am going to bring this to a close before I keep writing in circles....  To all of those aunties out there, share a piece of pizza with your nephew for me, okay?  Please....