Road map

I was able to accomplish something this past week that I have never done before...  I changed a burnt out tail light on my car!  A co-worker pointed out that my light was burned out and my first response was I so don't have time to take it to the dealership anytime soon (with my last car, all lights had to be changed at the dealership and the closest dealership to me for my new car is an hour or so away).  I checked with Mom who has the same car and she sent me a link to the owner's manual, showing me that I could change the bulb myself.  Sure, it made me a little nervous doing it since I have never been that handy when it comes to vehicle maintenance but it did give me a real sense of accomplishment.  Granted, this is not something that I want to have to put into practice all the time but I'm glad to have the knowledge in case I ever have to do it again.  On the plus side, it was was nicer on my wallet to change the bulb myself rather than taking it to the dealership!

Along with that accomplishment this past week, I have been trying really hard to learn a new dimension of my quest.  I am desperately trying to convince myself that I don't have to keep it together at all times or have all of the answers at all times.  While this is something that I really do want to work on, I am starting to realize this is easier to do in theory than in actualization -- at least for me it is.  There have been more times this week than I want to count where I've had to say, "I don't know/have the answer to that" and while it was an appropriate answer each time, it did leave me feeling a little uneasy.  I guess I will just have to work on being okay with not knowing the answer at all times and with finding myself in unfamiliar territory.

I know that unfamiliar territory is all apart of being on a quest but I am a little tired of feeling lost all the time.  While I realize I don't want someone to just give me a road map to find the path I'm "supposed" to take but an occasional road sign would be helpful....  Maybe one of the reasons while I feel so lost today is due to an unusual thing that happened this afternoon.  Normally when I talk on the phone with my Mom we talk forever and the only reason we get off of the phone is because we realize how long we've actually been talking.  Today, even though I had lots that I wanted to talk with her about, there were unusual for us lulls in the conversation and we just didn't have the same "flow" to the conversation as we usually do.  I blame myself for that.  Like I said, I felt that there was a lot that I wanted to talk with her about but when we were talking it just seemed so insignificant that I didn't bring it up.  And that's odd for me.

Yes, there was a point in my life that any response to a conversation with Mom was "whatever" or silence but I don't want to go back to that type of relationship with her.  I guess that's one of the things that scares me.  So much has changed in my life and I don't want to back pedal in relationships with my family.  They are my lifelines to sanity.  For as crazy as we have a tendency to make one another at times, they are the ones that I turn to when I need to feel grounded and need a pick-me-up.  Maybe that's what happens when you come from a close-knit family.  Yes, we've had our ups and downs over the years but when I was there visiting, things were definitely on the upside.  I guess those are the things that I need to remember when times are tough.

When I'm feeling low, I just need to remember the fun times I have had with my family.  Today when I was running errands I bought a few small photo frames so I'll be able to have photos of my nephews with me at work.  If nothing else, looking at pictures of the three of them always bring a smile to my face.  Speaking of which, I think I'm going to sign off for this evening and look at some of the photos from my visit home with my family.

(Love to my family!!  Thank you for being my road map when I need one.)