I have been feeling a little like people have been taking advantage of me lately and I know that some of that would go away if I would learn the art of saying "no." I realize that we teach people how to treat us and by doing pretty much whatever people ask of me I am teaching them it's okay to walk all over me (I'm giving them permission basically). I just don't like disappointing people and I guess that's the main reason why I feel like I have become a doormat. It hasn't necessarily been big things that people have asked of me but maybe it's just been the culmination of all of the little things that has gotten to me.
Another thing that I haven't learned the subtle art of is the art of believing that I am worth it. I have been so concerned with helping those around me, that I haven't taken any time for myself, thus I am still sick. Granted I haven't coughed as much today as I have been but I don't know if that should necessarily be considered an accomplishment or not... I know that I have to learn how to take care of myself better and feel as if it's okay to call into work if I do need a day off to recuperate. I don't see myself doing that anytime soon since there's a lot going on at work right now but I need to learn how to take the time off if I feel as if I need it or I won't be able to help anyone.
As I have written about before, I have always been pretty good at helping to talk up those around me if they are feeling down. When it comes to talking up myself though, I am not good at that at all. I am my own worst critic and don't always believe in learning from my own mistakes - rather I beat myself up over them. I know, I know. I really need to stop doing that. I need to learn that not every little mistake is worth beating myself up over and I can learn from them instead.
Maybe in the process of learning how to say "no," I also need to tell myself "no" at times. I need to learn when to stop beating myself up and just realize that it's okay not to give 1010% all of the time. I guess something else I could do is rather than continuing to beat myself up, I could focus my anger/energy where it is due...
After talking about it, I think I am getting to the point where I am angry at the wasband. I am angry with him for making me feel like the entire divorce was my fault. I am angry with him for not attempting to work things out. I am angry with him for living the life that I wanted. I am angry with him for making me feel like I could just be discarded like you would something that's broken. I AM NOT BROKEN! He was one who chose to leave but that does not mean that I am not worthy of someone else's love.
Wow.... not quite sure where that came from. Maybe it's time to sign off for tonight and revisit some of these thoughts at a later date.
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