A friend of mine asked me this past week if I "hate" the wasband.... She asked me this because we were talking about him and she was going to make a comment and she stopped herself saying that she thought I must hate the wasband but shouldn't since he and I had five good years together.... It's not that I hate him. Do I have good memories of the five years we were together? Yes. But can I say the entire five years was good, I don't know... How I remember them, yes, they were pretty good - but that was my perception of them. As I've written about before, I don't know how much of our five years together was real or not.....
So, going back to the word hate.... Do I hate the wasband? No. Webster defines hate as "intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger or sense of injury; extreme dislike or antipathy." In my opinion, he hasn't earned that strong of an emotion from me anymore. Do I think back on memories of our time together with happiness and fondness? Yes and I'm sad that it ended how it did. But, after almost two years of the divorce being final, I don't believe he has earned that kind of emotion from me at this point....
Speaking of strong emotions, even though I said I wasn't going to, I have been taking some things that happened this last week personally and have been beating myself over those things. I know that I can't go back and change what happened so I should just learn from what I perceive as mistakes I made and learn from them.... At this point, I guess the teacher needs to once again become a student. If a child makes a mistake, the teacher helps them to learn from that mistake and move on. As adults, we tend to forget that (or at least I do). I tend to focus on the mistake that I made rather than learning from it. Definitely something that I need to work on. If I don't work towards helping myself learn from my mistakes, I will become stagnant in my quest and then where will I be?
If I go back to the word hate and the wasband; if I didn't learn what I did from the divorce, who knows where I would be in my life right now. My mom sent me a saying today that I'm going to use as one of my new mantras; "She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going.... but she was on her way." While I'm not in the place where I thought I would be in my life, that doesn't mean I'm in a bad place in my life. That is something that I have to remember; just because it's not where I thought I was going to be that doesn't mean I'm not headed in the "right" direction. I need to remember that progress is progress no matter if it's a lot of progress or just a tiny bit (kind of sounds like it belongs in a Dr. Seuss book...). =)
Something I did today was I took a day for me. I opted not to go to church and I took myself to the movies instead. This isn't something I would do on a regular basis but I feel like today it was just what I needed to do. I have been burning the candle at both ends and I realized today that I couldn't continue without just completely burning out. This is going to be a hectic week at work so I needed to be able to take a step back, refresh myself and prepare for what lies in store. Every so often, I need to remind myself that if I don't do things for me, I'm not going to be much good to everyone else.
We'll see what kind of progress I make in the upcoming week....
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