Baby steps.....

I took myself out of my own comfort zone yesterday - - I went clothes shopping and I didn't go with items I would usually buy. I know that most members of the female species LOVE to go clothes shopping; I'm not one of them.... For a long time, I have bought clothes that were too big or settled on jeans and a T-shirt (or sweatshirt depending on the weather). When I went shopping yesterday, I looked at clothes that I wouldn't have necessarily looked twice at, let alone try on. In the first store I went to, I enlisted the assistance of one of the sales people, explained where I work as well as my general feeling of the clothes I wear (that in the past, I have used them to hide how I look but am working on feeling more comfortable in my body) and asked if she could help me pick out some things to try on. Granted, quite a few of the articles of clothing that I tried on, I didn't end up getting but I at least tried them on. Baby steps...

The items that I did end up buying are pieces that I will be able to mix and match some with things already in my closet. The tops that I bought are tops that I can wear with a pair of jeans to work or dress up some to go out at night. I also got a pair of black crop pants that I can wear to work with a pair of flat shoes or throw on a pair of wedge sandals and go out in the evening. Just trying to think out of my own box some when it come to clothes....

After I got home from my shopping excursion, the strangest urge to clean came over me. I did several loads of laundry (including a load of dog bedding and a load of my own bedding, kitchen towels and bath towels, and two loads of clothes) and then put everything away. I cleaned my kitchen, put away all of the laundry when it was finished and did some other random cleaning. While my apartment is relatively small, I worked for a number of hours and still have lots more to do. Unfortunately, I didn't really do any of the work today.... Oh, well. There is always next weekend.

I've been thinking some about what I wrote about last week. While I'm still thinking about past/future decisions, a friend of mine pointed something out to me yesterday - - rather than focus on all of the steps down the line, focus on the next step so each step doesn't seem like I'm stepping off a cliff each time a decision needs to be made. I was also told that people are starting to talk about why I feel such a need to be a people pleaser; especially towards people that don't really care if I am going above and beyond. I guess I didn't understand why my almost obsession with people pleasing is a topic of conversation...

I don't see myself as trying to be a people pleaser to everyone but maybe that's how I come across regardless. I guess I feel as if I don't give 100% that 1) who else is going to get the task done? 2) that I will be a disappointment to others and myself - mostly to others.... The second reason is more pressing to me than the first. Yet another reason why I feel guilty in taking time off of work...

In the past two and a half years, I have taken more care in what people think of me. Up until the wasband left, I cared what certain people thought of me and my actions (mostly close friends and family); everyone else earned my famous teenage catch phrase, "whatever!" complete with eye-roll (Dad, I know that you were thrilled when I outgrew saying that to almost everything!). Now, I care more about what my family and close friends think along with almost everyone else.... I guess because my marriage dissolved and the wasband just left, I feel like my actions are being judged by others around me (even if this is all just in my head).

Something else for me to work on, I guess... I also need to remember to celebrate the small accomplishments I do make, regardless if anyone else would find them to be silly or not; accomplishments are accomplishments...