Them vs. Me

I think I am losing the "them vs. me" battle.... I have been a people pleaser for most of my life (if not my whole life, most of my adult life) and in doing so, I have lost sight of some of the things that I think I would like. If and when possible, I will go out of my way to help other people even if that means putting things I want to do on hold. It's not that I don't want the people in my life to be happy but I want me to be happy as well. I feel at times that my efforts in helping others have forced "me" to take a back seat. Yes, I dance for me, but even certain aspects of my dancing are for others...

I feel like so many different people depend on me (and I'm not saying that to be cocky, just to state what my perception is) that if I say 'no' to someone, they are going to be disappointed in me. And while I know that I have disappointed people in my past, I don't like people to be disappointed in me or in my actions. But, I guess that's a part of balance that I need to work on...

For some reason or another, it has been my experience that I'd rather disappoint myself than someone close to me. Maybe that's one of the reasons I took my divorce so hard; I feel as if I disappointed myself but worse than that I disappointed my wasband, his mother, my parents, our siblings, our mutual friends, etc. I guess you could say I have been dealing with the guilt of that since he left more than two years ago. And it's not that I'm looking for pity (believe me, I have given myself enough of that to last a whole lifetime), I'm just offering an insight into "me."

But maybe that's part of it. Before I can offer others a glimpse into who I am/want to be, I have to forgive myself first. I have to find a way to offer myself forgiveness for my past choices/mistakes in order to work towards my future. I do realize that this is not something that will be accomplished overnight but I do believe that this is something that I need to add to my personal quest.

I know that I don't need to stop helping others but I don't need to feel as if my wants/needs are inferior to anyone else's. I guess that if I want other people to stop treating me as if I'm invisible, I have to stop treating myself as someone who is invisible... Maybe if/when I can do that, the scales will tip in my favor....