My belly dance troupe had a performance on New Year's Eve and I danced a new solo as well as participating in all of the troupe dances. In my dream, I was in the middle of my solo when the wasband approached me holding a samurai sword. He used the sword to stab me in the knee saying that if I wouldn't dance for him, I would never dance for anyone else again....
Well, because I would always wake-up from the dream at that point, the other day, I told myself that if I had the dream again, I had to stay asleep and finish the dream. After telling myself that, I did have the dream again and I was able to finish it. My Mom had given me a suggestion and I used that to complete the dream....
After he stabbed me in the knee, he said again that if I wouldn't dance for him, I would never dance for anyone else again... I removed his sword from my knee and stabbed him with it and I told him "I never have danced for you, I don't dance for you... I dance for ME!" At that point, he disappeared and I continued to dance and dance and dance...
Since completing the dream, I haven't had it since. I am proud of myself for being able to stand up to the wasband even if it was only in my dreams. I think having this dream is one more step in the direction of me getting over him. Actually, I'm hoping that this is one step closer to me getting over him. It's been over two years and there are times where memories of him still haunt me...
I know that my time with him (both the good times and the bad times) have helped bring me to the point in my life where I am now and also to the person that I am currently becoming. However, it still bothers me on some level on how he chose to end things. I know that I couldn't and still can't control his actions, I can only control myself, but there are times where I still become sad/angry with how he left. I'm not sure if part of these feelings are ones of a selfish nature. I have been thinking about the possibility of dating and I've been wondering if my past relationships (especially the one with my wasband and how he left) will make that future 'someone' question being with me.
Maybe I am just giving him too much power over me one more time. I really do want to get to the point where I am able to move on with my life. I know that some would tell me that in order to do so, I would actually have to get out of my apartment other than to just go to work and dance class in order to meet someone..... That's a thought that I'm working through. There were times where I shuddered at the thought when my Dad joked about just arranging a marriage for my sister and I.... Now, at times, it doesn't seem like such a bad idea... (Dad, I'm joking!!! I am NOT looking for you to arrange a marriage for me!) =)
I guess I will just have to continue to be introspective. Sorry if this post has been a little (or more than a little) disjointed. I am fighting a cold and have been under some stress from work...
No comments:
Post a Comment