Rough Day....

Today was rough for me -- today marked what would have been my 6-year anniversary. I was trying to look at today as just "another day" along my journey, but it didn't turn out that way. I didn't sleep very well last night, tossing and turning a lot, and then today at church (as we do the first Sunday of every month), they recognized anyone who had a December birthday or anniversary. Ouch!! Just one more reminder....

While I'm not the one who initiated the divorce, today has made me feel pretty inadequate. What could I have done differently? Could I have saved my marriage? Where did things begin to go wrong/fall apart? Why wasn't I good enough? While I have these questions and more, I don't know that I will ever have the answers to them.

At this point, I just need this all behind me. I am still waiting for the divorce to be finalized and even though I didn't want the divorce originally, I just want it over now. I want to be able to move on from this point in my life. I know that a piece of paper won't make it any easier to move on, but I just need to know that it is 100% over and finalized.

There are times I find it difficult to allow myself some leniency/compassion throughout this mess. I consider myself to be a pretty good friend to others but have trouble being a friend to myself. I'm not quite sure why that is. Maybe it's because I try so hard to help everyone else out that I don't always take the time for myself. I have come to the conclusion that needs to change.

One of the things I am continuing to do for myself is I am still taking my belly dance lessons. I am finding that I am really enjoying this form of self-expression. While I remember being hesitant to take my first class, I am glad that I forced myself to go (it also helped getting a swift kick in the butt from my Mom - - thanks, Mom!!). I am amazed not only at the physical transformation belly dancing is helping me achieve, but the emotional/internal transformation as well. While I am still on the bigger side, I am finding that I can move my body in ways I never would have dreamed possible.

I know that I still have a ways to go before my external and internal transformations are complete, but as my parents reminded me today, I need just "keep swimming" and "keep shimmying" along the way. Sure, I am going to make mistakes along the way, some big, some small, but what kind of quest would this be without pitfalls along the way?