Come a long way

I was rereading some of my old journals that I had written last year after my wasband left. One of the entries I came across included a dream I had shortly before I received the divorce papers. I actually had the dream the night on what would have been our anniversary last year. The entry read:

I feel lost in a dark forest and am looking for you to shine a flashlight or a candle or anything to help light my way so I don’t stumble and fall. But the light doesn’t come and I know I need to find my way out of the wood. As I try to escape, the trees seem to reach out for me and I begin to run. As I run, I just keep falling down and I am now starting to hear laughter in the darkness as I trip over the roots and am continuously knocked down by branches… Any time I am able to get to my feet, I stumble forward, with outstretched hands, only to fall again as the laughter continues. I can see a pinprick of light in the distance and feel if I can only reach the light, I’ll be able to escape from my torturous flight in the darkness. No matter how hard I try, I can’t reach the light and the laughter continues… I hear it in my head and it echoes in my heart. That really isn’t a good feeling. The laughter makes me want to sit down on the floor of the woods and cry out in desperation and frustration but I know I must not stop – I have to reach the light… I don’t know why it’s a feeling of desperation but I feel like no matter what physical harm comes to me or how my soul is being tortured, I must reach the light… Everything depends on reaching the light… But I can’t………… You’re the laughter I hear…

The "you" at the end was my wasband. I felt as if he was laughing at my desperation. Now I am the one who feels like laughing because I have reached my destination - the light. Granted I still have days where I feel as if I may get lost in the woods again but at least I have reached the light that I was so desperate for. Having the love and support of my family and friends has helped me reach the light along the journey of finding myself.

I have come to terms with not having all of the answers. I don't want all of the answers. If I had them all, my journey would be over and I would have nothing left to look forward to in life. Yes, there are times I wish it didn't have to be so difficult but in the difficulty I am able to appreciate when things aren't so difficult. I know that I have a long way to go and I am coming to terms with that. I want to try to appreciate each step along my journey, even if my steps are me just stumbling along.

Thanks to all of you who help me up when I stumble or if I fall. =)