Mirrors

Mirrors are everywhere - and that's not necessarily a good thing for me right now...

I've been extremely unhappy with the reflection I've seen in the mirror lately.  I know that for me that's not something that's necessarily new but it seems to have intensified over the last few months.  I know that the fault is entirely mine and to completely blame the mirrors would be dumb but that doesn't stop me from cringing when I come across a mirror - especially the full length kind.  I also know that the mirror is only showing me my own reflection and it's up to me how I interpret said reflection.  I have always been extremely critical of myself and I know this is something I need to overcome and stop doing.

I spend so much time and effort doing for others that when there is finally a rare opportunity to do for me, I have nothing left.  Not only do I run out of time, there is often no energy remaining for those me moments/opportunities.  All of this I am seeing in the mirror.  There is the weight gain that I automatically see but when I force myself to look in the mirror for longer periods of time, I see how tired my eyes look, wrinkles that didn't used to be there and the addition of gray hairs (at least with this one, I've lucked out slightly and have been gifted with the silver gray that both my parents have). Once again, these things are not the fault of the mirror but the person looking back at me is not someone I want to see.  Why is it that if I had a friend that looked like me or was saying these things, I would jump into action, encourage them to do things for themselves and to take care of themselves but I can't (or won't) do the same for me.  Rather, I don't even have a friend telling me these things - I am left to my own devices and for some reason, I struggle with that concept of being a friend to myself (even though it was at least two entire counseling sessions when I was seeing a counselor after my divorce).

There are times when I wonder how someone who is plus size can be so invisible...  I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert or a people pleaser or what it is but I always seem to notice pain in a person's eyes if they say "I'm fine" or they don't say anything.  If I'm that way, I don't know if it's just my perception or not, but I feel as if people don't notice - they don't notice if I'm having an "I feel small day" or if there is something else going on.  No mater the reason, it does surprise me that it occurs.  Maybe some of it stems from me growing up in the Midwest and "Midwest nice" in engrained (I currently don't live in the Midwest) but not everyone knows what that is; or they do and they tend to take advantage of it.

I started writing this post earlier in the week because I felt compelled to write.  I'm glad that I have been inspired but I didn't necessarily like feeling compelled to write in the middle of the night.  I am trying to embrace the inspiration and the feeling of needing to write in the hopes that I will learn something from all of this or that what I write will touch/inspire someone else.  I am trying to focus on learning things myself because I know that I too often push myself to the wayside - we'll see how well this works out for me...

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight and take some "me time" before heading to bed.  Luckily I get to have one day off this week (we get to be off for Veteran's Day) but the downside we have a staff meeting Tuesday night that will go until at least 9 pm.  Hopefully with the day off, I'll be able to do something for myself - not sure what that's going to be yet but I'm sure I'll come up with something.  We'll also see if I can come to an understanding with my mirror....  Have a great week and thanks for joining me!  =)