it's not worth it...

I'm staring my post early this week (it's currently Wednesday evening.... okay.... it's Wednesday, late night) because something happened today that I don't want to forget about.  Today was my first day back at work after being gone for my sister's wedding and a staff member approached me to let me know some things staff were saying while I was gone.  Staff had been asking me before I left about the upcoming wedding so I was talking about it.  According to what I was told today, the staff were annoyed by all of it and felt "obligated to listen to me drone on and on about nonsense" because I'm the boss and they blamed me for not being able to get their work done.  It's not that I'm opposed to hearing stuff like this because I can use it as constructive criticism (I think) and grow from it (or use it in my acting... it's a line from the original Fame movie; if you don't know the original, I highly recommend it!).  What bugs me is gossip.  I have been fodder for gossip before so it's not a new concept but I think we should be more professional than that and leave it out of the workplace....

All of this lead me to a profound statement I made to another staff member at the end of the work day.  I had been working all day on a project that my boss assigned (which I completed - yay, me!) so I was behind closed doors for most of the day (I was also thinking about the conversation with the staff member from the morning).  When I emerged from my office, I saw one of my staff at a computer after she was supposed to be off the clock.  She assured me she had clocked out and I told her she should be headed home.  She told me that she just wanted to finish something really quick and I responded, "the work will still be here tomorrow; you don't want to be like me, it's not worth it..."  As soon as those words were out of my mouth, I realized how profound it was - I'm telling her that she should do what I do, yet I turn around and work too many hours on a regular basis (I can't remember the lat time I worked a "normal" shift...).  If I'm telling her to not do what I do, why in the world am i doing it?!  I don't necessarily have the answer to that question but it has definitely given me some thinking to do...

It is now Sunday and this statement has stuck with me for the week ("don't be like me, it's not worth it").  Not only has this statement stayed with me mentally but it's also stayed with me emotionally.  When I was talking to my Mom on the phone today about my week, I mentioned this particular conversation and I actually felt myself getting a little choked up while I was talking about it and this was days ago.  I think part of what is making me emotional about it all is the truth in the statement.  People shouldn't strive to try and be like me - not only because I try to be an individual but also because I know I work too hard and too many hours without any sort of recognition and I don't necessarily want to set anyone else up to experience that.

I had to work yesterday for a "parent's date night" (I worked from about 5 - 11 pm) and I know that one day this week will be a long day because we have a mandatory staff meeting (those run from 6 - 8 pm after working from 8 am - 6 pm already).  Because I'm putting in these extra hours, I am really hoping that I'll be able to flex some of that time around and work at least one half day.  We'll see how well that works for me...

As I head into a new week, I not only want to remember/embrace what I said, I want to find a way to gain balance.  Not only do I want to find balance, I know that I really need to - for my physical well-being and for my mental health.  I need to find time in my days to get back into some sort of work out regime because I really haven't been happy with how I'm looking these days.  I'm even considering talking with a specialist in order to discuss the different surgery possibilities but I know I need to be "healthy" in order to have that be an option.  I know that this would lead to a drastic life style shift but I know I need to do something.

Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close.  I bought a loom knitting kit today and I am learning how to use it so I think I'm going to play with it some before heading to bed.  I hope you have a magnificent week and have opportunities to be you.  Thanks for joining me along my journey!  =)