Cynical

I have found myself lately becoming more and more cynical and I'm not sure if it's just because of me or if it's based on my situations.  One such situation arose at church this morning - the pastor had been talking to someone and then walked past me and in a general direction crooked her finger for someone to follow her; when no one did, she said, "Hey, you with the black hair, I meant you" (I was the one with the 'black hair').  She's been at the church for more than a year, I know she knows my name but yet she referred to me this way.  I walked over to her and she proceeded to tell me that she didn't really know me and if I was interested, she wanted to get together at some point.  This really surprised me and I don't think she expected my response - I responded that she really didn't know me because she hasn't really made an effort to want to know me.  From day one, she has seemingly taken one look at me with my tattoos, piercings, and unique personality and has written me off - I don't respond well to that.

Similar situations that came up this weekend happened at two different dance gigs the troupe participated in.  We had a gig Friday night that I really didn't know if I was going to make it to - we needed to be ready at 6:30 and I don't typically get off work until after 6 so the plan was to leave work at 5.  I was watching the clock Friday and of course different situations blew up and I didn't leave work until 5:45.  I rushed home, threw a costume on, slapped some make-up on and ran out the door.  I was the last one to arrive at the studio (I HATE to feel like I'm late) and we headed to the gig. Because I didn't have any down time, I just wanted to be left alone but people kept pushing me to smile and talk and "be happy" - all of which just made me retreat further into myself.  We get to the performance and the DJ wasn't able to play the music my instructor had so she demanded my phone (which I had left in the van), the DJ needed me to take my case off and then they wanted to start the show before I had time to get myself ready.  Then at the Saturday night performance, similar type of thing where people were trying to force me to smile and "be happy" but thankfully a fellow dancer stood up for me and told people to just leave me alone.  That meant a lot to me because people don't often come to my aid that way.

I think people are under the impression that because I'm single, they need to force me to participate in social situations.  I find just the opposite to be true.  Because I'm constantly being pulled in 1000 different directions at work at any given time and then I'm rushing to the dance studio or choir practice, there are times I just need to be alone and quiet.  People always seem surprised when I don't want to go out after work or join up with them after dance but there are times I just need to go home and just allow myself to be me and my dogs.  I've realized that to be true when I go to visit family too; I love being around my family but it's almost as if I need a day or two to adjust to being around them again because here it's just me and the noise can sometimes be overwhelming.

One of the things that I think might help my cynicism is this should be my last 60+ hour work week for awhile.  This is the last full week of summer programming and then the kids go back to school Wednesday of the following week.  Once the kids go back to school we are going through our building's reaccreditation so I might have to put in some additional hours just to get everything ready to go but if we pass with flying colors, the extra time will be worth it (I hope).  I've also talked with some of my staff to let them know that I'm going to have to look at rearranging some schedules possibly because I cannot continue to work from open to close every single day, especially when we're in extended hour programming.  We'll see how well that goes over...

Well, my dear readers, I think this cynic is going to bring this to a close for tonight in order to get my armor ready for the week ahead.  Oh, on the plus side, the treat jar went over really well with my coworkers this past week and I even added a second one - one of the treat jars is filled with sugary treats and the other is filled with salty treats - and the staff seem excited about both of them (yay for doing something right!).  I hope that you have a great week and that none of us become overwhelmed with our cynicism...