Empty...

I feel as if I'm currently running on fumes and am in desperate need of finding a way to refuel.  I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to accomplish this but I know that I need to do something...  I don't know if it's been from attempting to do too much, lack of sleep, stress, no time off, a combination, or what but I need to figure something out because I can't keep this up...

When the gas tank of your car is empty, you have to fill it.  When your stomach is empty, you fill yourself up by eating.  When your muchness is empty, there is no surefire way to refill it.  Yes, we all have those magical places/things that revive us, however what do you do when things are too crazy/busy in your life in order to make refueling places/things a priority?  I am constantly encouraging people around me to find ways to refuel but I haven't figured out yet how to do that for myself.

It probably doesn't help that I had an interaction at work this past week that has had me replaying the conversation in my head to see if I handled it the best I could have.  There is a person at work who we often don't see eye to eye and we had a conversation about it this last week.  It often feels to me as if this person wants my job (or at least doesn't want me to have it) even though they claim this isn't the case.  It makes it difficult to make decisions when you feel as if there is someone (or more than one someone) who is going to question everything you say/do.  In my head, I know as the boss I just need to take control of the situation but I haven't learned how to do that yet.  That just makes me feel as if I'm failing...  I don't like this overwhelming feeling of failing mixed with letting people down.  I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself and I do find it difficult to let some things go (which I need to learn how to do).

This feeling of question my own decisions spilled over into my dance performances this weekend.  Yesterday I had two solo performances (I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I over scheduled myself but that's not the point) and between going to/from both of them, I put about 130 miles on my car.  Friday night, middle of the night, I had trouble sleeping because I still hadn't finalized what I was going to perform.  For the first performance, I had about 15 minutes to fill and I ended up selecting one of our troupe choreographies that's about 12-13 minutes.  It's a choreography that isn't my typical "go-to" style but I feel as if I did a good job with it.  For the second show, I performed my sword solo but wore a new costume that Mom made me awhile ago and I just haven't worn yet.  Both costumes were definitely more colorful than my usual solo costumes (the first one was fuchsia, blue, purple and black and the second one was orange, pink, silver and black) but I did like how they looked in the photos.

I'm thinking that, in general, I need to do a better job of cutting myself slack in different situations.  I don't know how I'm going to accomplish that yet but I think that it might be mentally/emotionally what I need.  I'm not sure how/when I'm going to do it, but I also think something that I need is to find a day or two (during the work week preferably) where I just drop off the proverbial grid and do whatever comes to me.  We'll see how that turns out...

Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening and do something for me since I'm running on empty.  Maybe I'll make a small adult type beverage, grab a book and just relax some before heading to bed (and hopefully getting a decent night's sleep) to prepare for the work week ahead.  Thanks for joining me, dear readers, and I hope that you are able to start your week with a full tank of muchness.  =)