Muchness revisited... again

I feel as if there have been a couple of places/situations where my muchness is being tested.  I don't know if it's just my perception or if it's actually happening but I feel as if I am being looked down upon/ignored for my muchness.  Let me just say, I don't like the feeling but it's not going to stop me from being me.  Ironically, one of the places that I have felt ostracized almost because of my muchness has been at church.  Yes, I am tattooed and have piercings but that doesn't mean I should get ignored while at church.  Today, for example, the pastor walked past me like six times, I said hello and she just continued walking past me.  She is relatively new to being the pastor of our church but I see her talking to/genuinely interested in the other people at the church and I get walked past.  It makes me wonder if I've done/said something, haven't done/said something, or if it's because of how I look...

I know that there have been times where I have been guilty of being judgmental of someone based on something about how they look but I do try to not do that - everyone has the right to self-expression and embracing their own muchness.  I hope this isn't happening to me to make me more aware of things I've done but it's making me question some things I don't necessarily want to be questioning.  Yes, I have questioned my muchness in the past but I have done a 180 and am fully embracing it yet again and I hope that everyone else can do the same.  I have firsthand knowledge that muchness can be daunting at times but I really feel as if allowing yourself to show your uniqueness is very powerful/freeing.

I'll be one of the first ones to admit that I don't always give myself enough credit where credit is due.  I am often the one who is encouraging others yet finding all of the faults in myself.  This is something that I want to challenge myself to stop doing.  My parents and my family have always supported me but my voice is the one that's loudest in the middle of the night.  Granted, my parents have questioned my tattoos/piercings but they haven't stopped supporting me because of having them done.  It's definitely nice knowing that I have their support.  But, like I said, in the middle of the night, the voice in my head overrides that knowledge and I begin to question decisions I've made and wondered if I'm enough.  I know I've written before about learning how to quiet that voice but I haven't been able to do it as of yet.

One area in particular I know I need to work on giving myself credit is in the dance studio.  Yesterday in class, my instructor did one of the things I dread - she put on a piece of music and just told us to dance.  It's a piece that we as a troupe have choreography to but we weren't allowed to use the choreography, it had to be a spontaneous performance.  Luckily we didn't have to perform in front of the group that way (which we have done in the past - ugh...) but I still find it to be a very difficult exercise.  I felt as if in places I was fighting my body because it so badly wanted to do the choreographed moves.  As I watched myself in the mirror, I just kept focusing on things that I felt I was doing "wrong" even though I was moving to the music and I actually was doing a decent job.  I need to get better at recognizing that I did a good job instead of focusing on what I perceived as below average.

I guess in situations like I found myself in yesterday at the dance studio or today at church, those are the times I need to remember to completely embrace my muchness and be okay with me.  I also need to remember this heading into another work week.  As we talk with the kids about what they're thankful about as Thanksgiving nears, I need to remind myself to be thankful that I have the opportunities that I do to embrace my muchness because not everyone has that as an option to them.

On that note, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close, get ready for the week ahead and laugh at one of my two dogs who is trying desperately to "rearrange" the carpet and make it more comfortable to lay on.  Silly dog...  But maybe all he's doing is embracing his muchness too.  =)