Unapologetically me

It has been a very long week and I'm glad that I'm finally able to put my feet up and relax some.  The work week was just about a 60 hour one, then I had dance and choir after that.  I'm not overly surprised that I ended up with a massive headache that ended up lasting about two days - I was very glad when it went away...

When I got to work on Monday morning, I opened my work email and saw that I had an email from our inspection team (we are inspected yearly by them and due to some restrictions we haven't seen them for over a year and a half) saying they were walking in the door first thing that morning.  After the initial "AAAHHHHHH!!!!!" moment, I realized that I was as ready for them as I could be and it would do me no good to freak out over it.  The inspection team walked in and I was pleasantly surprised that I recognized one of them - I met her at the training I attended several weeks ago.  I gave them a tour of the building and then they got down to business.  Because this was my first experience with this type of inspection from a managerial point of view, it definitely offered a different perspective of things.  The two inspectors that I worked with over the two and a half days, gave me a lot of insights/ideas and I was okay with the score that we received.  Was it lower than what I would have like?  Yes.  But I am okay with the score overall.

One of the things that did surprise me was a question asked by me of the inspector I had met previously.  She asked me which side was the "real" me - the side she met her or the side she saw at the training.  That really made me pause.  When I was at the training, no one knew me so I felt free to not hide any aspect of my personality; I added color to my hair, I wore my fun/crazy earrings, I wore bright colors and I opened up more than I usually do.  With the inspection team here (and then we had to meet with the big bosses to go over the inspection results), my clothing was more 'reserved' and while I added color to my hair I selected colors that were more muted (and I didn't wear any of my fun/crazy earrings).  What started me even more was when it was pointed out to me, my response was, 'Wow... you're right... I'm sorry.'

Why in the world did I apologize?!  Why did I feel the need to dress more reserved just because of who was in the building and who I was meeting with?  I could understand if I usually wore things with spikes or leather or something really wild and crazy...  But I don't.  I wear bright colors/patterns and I wear fake gauge earrings that are kind of out there but that's not too bizarre, is it?  I guess I just have to get myself to the point where I don't feel as if I have to apologize for being me.  I see other people who are able to just go out there and be themselves and they never once apologize for it.  I need to get to that point.

I know that I've written before about feeling the need to apologize all the time and trying to get away from that habit.  As you can read, I haven't done too well on that front.  Without even thinking about it, I apologize for things a lot.  Maybe one of the things I need to do to put it into perspective for myself is to keep track of it - maybe I need to get a notebook and write down when I apologize and what I'm apologizing for to see if it's a necessary apology or not.  If I keep track of those apologies, I may be able to see just how many times a day/week I actually say "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" - I'm sure the number will be eye opening (especially if I'm tracking the reasons behind those words as well).

I am going to set a goal for myself this upcoming week.  The goal I'm setting for myself is that for every work day, I'm going to wear what I want to wear (and that includes hair color and fun/crazy earrings) and fun shoes.  I want to feel free to be myself and that includes wearing what I want.  That may seem like a small goal but when I limit myself at times based one what I'm wearing, I feel as if I'm limiting myself in being me - and that is a big thing.

With that thought in mind, I'm going to bring this to a close and think about what fun things I'm going to wear tomorrow to work.  Hopefully this week with be relatively quiet at work (other than long hours yet again) but only time will tell!  I hope that each and every one of you has a wonderful week ahead, my dear readers, and I will see you back here next week!  =)