Regrets

This past week I had a disturbing conversation with someone about regrets.  The reason I found this particular conversation disturbing is because they were trying to tell me the things in my life they felt I was going to regret someday.  Of course, the first thing that they mentioned is my tattoos (especially the one that takes up almost the entire inside of my left forearm).  When I asked them why they felt like I was going to regret it someday, they said because they just see tattoos as a fad and one day I'm going to "wake up" and realize that.  I thanked them for their opinion and reminded them that getting the tattoo was my decision and I have personal reasons for doing so.  They then tried to bring up me one day regretting getting divorced.  At that point, I had to excuse myself from the conversation...

The individual who I was having this conversation with didn't know me during the time of my divorce or any of the details surrounding the divorce itself.  Because of this, I didn't feel as if I needed to discuss any aspect of my divorce with them.  I don't know if that was the best action for me to take but it's the decision I made and I stick to it.  I just didn't feel the need to justify anything about that period of my life to them when they weren't there during it.  They didn't know the reason for the divorce or the things in my life that lead up to it.

After the conversation about regrets, it did put me in a dark place for a little bit but I decided that I didn't want to stay there.  I have reached the point where I'm done letting the divorce and everything that went with it define me.  Yes, I know I have written about this concept before but I'm saying it again I guess in the hopes that I stick to it this time.  I'm realizing that I need to figure out new things to define myself and move on from this entire situation.  I guess how I need to look at the situation in front of me along the lines of what I wrote about last week - I need to take things one step at a time.  If I don't, I'm going to see the impossible task of climbing the mountain ahead of me and I've honestly been at that point for too long.

I'm not saying that I'm ready to just jump out there and date/remarry tomorrow but I am ready to learn how to be comfortable with just being me.  I'm not entirely sure what all that entails but I'm ready to really work on that level of comfortability.  I have never been truly comfortable in my own skin and I am definitely my own worst enemy when it comes to what I see when I look in the mirror.  What I want to explore is why I do that.  I've done it for as long as I can remember and I while I've always known it's not a good thing, I'm realizing the damage I'm causing myself in doing so.  If I have a regret, this would have to be the biggest one I guess.

I regret being so hard on myself for so long.  I know that I don't have to like all of the things about myself all of the time but I don't have to constantly pick myself apart.  This is going to be something I really work on in the upcoming months (because I know there is no way it's going to be an overnight fix).  If, not if, when I have setbacks, I also want to not beating myself up so much because I know in this situation it will be counterproductive.  It's definitely going to be a process but I know in my heart that it's something that I really need to do.  I need to reclaim my muchness for me.  Not for anyone else - but for me.

Well, my dear readers, I have given myself a lot to think about and honestly this post didn't go anywhere tonight that I necessarily thought it was going to so I think I'm going to bring it to a close for this evening.  I hope that you have a great week my dears and that I have some things more solidified to write about to you next week.  Love and luck along whatever journey life leads you down in this upcoming week!  =)