Lighthouse

On this Mother's Day, I have found myself taking time to pause and think about all of the things my Mom has done for me and continues to do for me.  While my Mom has always been there for me (even when, during my teenage years, I was attempting to push her away with both hands), I have appreciated her more over the last several years.  During that storm called "life," my Mom has been my Lighthouse in the darkness which has led me back to shore.  Granted, there have definitely been times along my quest where I thought my proverbial boat was going to capsize, but Mom's Lighthouse was always that constant (even if the light was just a pinprick in the distant darkness and blurred by fog) guiding me through the storm.

Depending on the size of the storm (both literal in the size of the problem I was facing or the size I made it in my head based on perception), I'm sure there were times that Mom wanted to turn on the fog horn and send me in a different direction to avoid the rocks but not guide me all the way - not that she wasn't there for me but she knew that I would have to find the answer for myself.  Those are sometimes the absolute hardest life lessons -- where you want someone else to help give you the answers and lead you through that storm but they can't.  Not because they don't want to help in providing those answers for you but they know that by giving you those answers it isn't what's going to be best for you in the long run.

I'm sure there have been times where I have made issues larger than they actually were and Mom wanted to turn off the light in her Lighthouse but she never did.  I appreciate that more than I can ever express.  Even though we are separated by distance, I know that my Mom is always there for me when I need her (even if it's just by sending me an uplifting message, a photo of one of my nephews or a phone call).  Moms seem to have an uncanny knowledge of doing/saying exactly what we need - even when their kids are "grown up."  I've heard it said that there are times Moms have harder times with their grown up kids than when their kids were little.  Other than my teenage years (and for the bit of time when I was really little and I had colic), I have a feeling Mom might agree with that statement!  =)


I had a relatively new coworker ask me this past week why I'm not a Mom myself.  That has been a very sensitive subject for me for a number of years now and while I know she didn't know any differently, it still hurt for her to ask.  For those of you who don't know, when I was married, the wasband and I had difficulty conceiving and even saw a specialist.  No such luck.  Looking back, I know that it was in the best interest of all involved that it didn't happen but that doesn't negate that I wanted to (and still do) be a Mom.  At this point in my life, I know that I'm a surrogate Mom to all of the children that I come across where I work but it's not the same...  Maybe one day I'll have the joy/honor of being a Mom but only time will tell.  I guess, for now, I'll just have to be the best auntie I can be and love my nephews as another Momma.  =)

Speaking of my nephews, I should probably sign off and do some sewing on the remaining baby blanket I need to finish.  Mom, thank you again for all that you do for me (even when I am being a royal pain in the butt!) and I love you beyond compare!