Sleep

I had people tell me this week how tired I've looked.  I think part of that may come from not having my glasses to hide behind.  I wore my new contacts to work all week so everyone could see the dark circles under my eyes (it was pretty funny - when one of the kids came into the classroom, they stopped in their tracks, looked at me and said, "What's different about your face??").  One of these days I hope that I'll be able to sleep but until then, I will just have to deal with people asking me why I look tired or hide behind my glasses instead of wearing my contacts.


Maybe there will be a time when I am able to sleep or even know why it is that I don't sleep at night.  I go to bed and feel as if I sleep for a some time each night (or I wouldn't even be able to function) but other parts of the night I toss and turn or dreams plague my sleep.  I had someone ask me why I don't take some sort of a sleeping aid in order to get a full 8 hours of sleep each night and my answer is a simple one -- because of how early I need to get up in the morning, I would have to go to bed like a half hour after I get home from dance class/choir or whatever else I might have going on in the evening and that doesn't sound like a good plan to me.  I feel as if I have too much to do after I get home and am never able to truly accomplish it.  Therefore if I go to bed even earlier, that would be way less for me to be able to accomplish.  I know that I'll be able to sleep eventually but not at the moment...


There is going to be a lot of dance practicing this week that I will be doing so I hope that I'll be able to sleep.  I have another big solo on Saturday that's going to require quite a bit of energy.  I will be dancing a solo comprised of two songs that lasts just over ten minutes.  It's the same routine that I performed at our studio nightclub show last weekend that I'll be performing this upcoming week.  While I am excited about having the opportunity to dance it again I am also a little nervous because of the expectation of this performance.


I love soloing for the person who hosts this venue but I also don't want to do poorly and disappoint.  She has been dancing for I'm not sure how long and is a fabulous dancer/performer.  Whenever I dance for her shows, she tells people as she announces me, how much she enjoys watching me dance.  I guess that just means I will have to practice whenever I have the opportunity this week and just trust that I'll be able to listen to the music and do it justice when I perform.


No matter what else I have going on in my life be it work issues, dancing, sleep issues, I know that there will always be some constants in my life -- my family.  I am thankful everyday that my family is close as we are.  Sure, we have our issues just like every family does but we try to always be there for one another however we can be.  I know that if I need to talk or vent or whatever, my family is there for me.  Sure, sometimes it can be difficult to get in contact with one another due to time differences but we try.


On this Father's Day (and every day), I am thankful that my Dad is still in my life and is there to support me.  Dad has always been able to relate to me in a way that no one else (other than maybe my Grandpa when he was with us) could.  Maybe it's because I'm so similar to my Mom...


I've been sitting here staring into space for a while thinking about my Dad and why I haven't been sleeping.  I think part of it comes from thinking in some way my divorce disappointed him (hearing Dad say that he was disappointed in us growing up was worse than him yelling).  When I was little, I wanted to marry a man like my Daddy.  I thought I had married that man and my ex ended up being the complete opposite.  Knowing that is a difficult thing for a Daddy's girl to swallow.  Maybe one of these days I will find a man for myself that is like my Daddy (and my Grandpa).  Dad, even though I know I don't need to say this, I'm sorry if I disappointed you.  I love you, Dad.


But until then, here's hoping I will be able to get some sleep tonight...