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I guess to keep it from being too overwhelming; I can look at it as I look at writing my post each week. I start with a blank document and add one word at a time. A combination of words turns into a sentence. Sentences blend together to create paragraphs and so on. That's how I have to look at my story right now. One word/one thought at a time and go from there. It's okay if I don't know how it's going to end when I start, I just have to write. And while with writing, I can hit the delete/backspace key if I don't like what I've written, I know I can't do that with life. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I am hesitating seeing the blank pages before me...
I just have to realize for myself that even if I do make a mess/mistake, all I have to do is clean-it up and move on. I don't have to let a mistake define me or who I am working on becoming (the best version of myself that I can become). I also don't have to try and erase the mistake but rather learn from it and move on from there. Besides, there is no eraser in what we call life. I know that it may not always be easy, but we were never promised that life would be easy.... It's just life. Make of it what you will... As Kermit the Frog says, "life's like a movie, write your own ending.... keep believing, keep pretending..."
He's one smart Frog. =)
I'm stealing from myself this week.... These thoughts were on my mind, appeared in my blog almost a year ago and they have really been coming back to me this week especially. I have been finding myself having a difficult time lately in the concept of me being a "blank slate" in which to write my story. Over the past number of years, I have created a persona that those around me think is who I am on the inside. After being introspective of that persona, I don't know if that's who I truly am; but it is the safety blanket persona that I have wrapped around myself. Now that I'm peeling a corner up of the safety blanket to remove it, I am encountering some resistance from within myself as well as those around me.
One of the things that I know that I need to work on is standing up for myself. In doing so, I know that will entail making a commitment to a choice I make and sticking to it - and when I do that, be willing to accept either the positive or negative consequences that come from those decisions. I have tried standing up for myself over the past few days but find myself backpedaling based on the reaction of those around me. This is the next step of my journey - making the conscious decision of standing up for myself and then sticking to that decision. I'm not 100% sure how to do that other than just making the commitment to myself and asking for those around me to help hold me accountable to said commitment.
I think a lot of my backpedaling comes from wanting to please those around me. When I put their needs ahead of my own though, is it really doing either one of us any good? Sure, those around me are getting what they want but at what expense? Up until now, rather than have to deal with disappointing those around me, I go out of my way to take care of what they need me to. I think now it might be time to be a little selfish and take care of me some. I know that there's not going to be a way for me (personally) to just give it up cold turkey but it is something I can work towards. I mean, I know that my nature is to be a nurturer (who else would willingly be a pre-school teacher?!?) so I know that I won't ever be able to stop wanting to help people but I know that it's up to me to decide who/when I'm going to help. It's all a process.
I am starting to learn that there is more to life than watching those around me live it. Now, the next step will be for me to start getting out there and living my own and not having those around me manipulate my life to make theirs easier... Wish me luck!
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