Introspective

This week I have found myself being introspective. I have found parts of me falling back into old patterns of wanting to fade into the background. It's been a busy week at work and there has been lots going on with dance so I don't know if I'm using this as my "safety mechanism" or what. I think sometimes when there is a lot going on, I find it easier to not work so hard to work and find my way out of the shadows. Maybe one day it won't be as much of an effort to not want to be invisible all of the time.

I have another busy upcoming week ahead of me though. Last night we had a dance performance that we had been working towards and this upcoming weekend we have two. One on Saturday and one on Sunday - - both performances I am doing a new solo that I have been working on. The performance on Saturday, I have known for a while that I'd be doing a solo. The performance for next Sunday, however, I just found out today that my instructor wants me to do my solo there as well. The Saturday show is a small show at a restaurant with mainly other dancers in the audience. The Sunday show, on the other hand, is at a pretty large festival held yearly in the area. I'm trying to tell myself that it is just another performance and it will all be okay - - having a little trouble convincing myself of that at the moment though... =)

At the performance last night, I found myself standing in the corner of the restaurant after my troupe had finished performing. There were no seats left at the two tables we had taken over and I didn't want to be in anyone else's way so I stood back. One of my fellow troupe members asked me why I was in the corner - my answer to them was an easy one, "(shrugs) this is my spot." It was an automatic response but I'm wondering now why that was my answer. As I've said in the past, I am trying hard to overcome some of the insecurities from my past and put myself out there a little more. I guess at times it's just easier to allow the "past me" to take over.

In a way, it is kind of ironic that when I was wearing a bigger size, I found it relatively easy to "hide" in the shadows. Now, even though I have lost the weight that I have, I am struggling to find that balance - - I don't want to lose the "old" me but I don't want to necessarily hold the "new" me back. Does that make any sense? Probably not....

I don't want the fear of my past to overshadow who I know I can potentially become. Yes, I know at times I have trouble believing in myself but that is something that I am working on. While I don't want to become all "look at me, look at me" (said in an annoyingly high, squeaky voice) but I do want to work on not being "invisible girl" anymore. I don't think that's truly who I am on the inside... Yes, there may always be a part of me who is insecure in large social settings, but I don't have to be like that all of the time.

Something else that I need to work on overcoming is allowing emotional setbacks to be so catastrophic. This upcoming week is my wasband's birthday. I'm trying not to let it overly effect me. I know that, for me, it will be easier to acknowledge it rather than ignore it but I also know that it's not something that I need to dwell on. One of my friends has suggested I take myself out that night but I may be too busy working on my dance solo for this weekend to do so. Maybe the solo performances this weekend will be the treat to myself... Just have to wait and see what the week has in store.

Well, because I have such a busy week (on lots of different levels), I should probably quit my ramblings for tonight and work on a few moves and then rest up for the insanity this week has in store. Keep smiling! =) (that's as much to my readers as to myself....)