Insight?

A friend of mine and her husband gave me something to ponder this last week. They (jokingly) said that if I continue my belly dancing, I could always consider becoming like a Genie (as in “I Dream of Jeannie”), live in a bottle and if I felt like moving, I could just toss my bottle into the ocean and see where I end up. After some moments this last year and even this last week, that doesn’t seem like too bad of an idea…

There were times (in the last 14 months and this last week) where I felt so little that I actually could have placed myself into a bottle to hide. The funny thing about feeling little is there is nothing you can really do but wait that feeling out and go from there. My wasband never really understood feeling “little.” I don’t know if many people really understand it, but it is the only way I have found to express how I’m feeling at times. I don’t know what causes me to feel “little,” the feeling just comes at times. Granted, since I started doing belly dancing, I haven’t felt “little” but I have felt that way the last few days.

Maybe part of it comes from coming home after spending time with family. While it’s nice to be back where I can see the ocean daily, I still miss the love/comfort being with family offers. Another part of feeling “little” came from flipping through TV channels the other night. I landed on a show where people were getting married and of course I started watching just as they were reciting their marriage vows. That was like a blow to my already bruised heart.

When the divorce started, my heart was battered and bleeding. Over time, the wounds have started to heal but the bruising is still there. Listening to these two individuals vow the same things my wasband and I did was extremely hard to listen to but I also couldn’t bring myself to switch channels. When I got married, I thought that was going to be it. Now, someday, I have to face doing it again. And that fact does make me extremely nervous. While I am starting to feel better about myself due to my weight loss and due to my belly dancing, I’m still not entirely self-confident.

At least, today at church, a couple of people gave me a boost because they told me that they are seeing that I am getting some of my “sparkle” back. After these last 14 months, that’s good to know. So maybe I don’t have to live in a bottle after all (even though that would be a WAY easier way if I want to move). =)

While I know that I’m not 100% there yet, it’s good to know that progress is being made. I guess another comforting fact is, if I was knew 100% what I’m “supposed” to know and be 100% what I’m “supposed” to be, I’d be dead. It’s a comfort to know that I’m not dead yet. =)