Do you!

The title of this week's post isn't a question, it's meant to be a statement or even a declaration.  Some people would say it's crazy but yesterday my sister and I took the opportunity to participate in an hour long dance workout class three hours away; she and her family opted to spend the night there so we drove separately, met up at the class and then because I wasn't feeling great (my major cold or whatever I've had for the last few weeks is still hanging on), I drove back after the class.  Now, this wasn't a "normal" dance workout class - it's extremely upbeat, a little crazy, but it was so much fun!  I found this particular person on YouTube a little while ago and have enjoyed dancing along to his workout songs in my living room so when I saw he was going to be close, I asked my sister if she wanted to go.  I really enjoyed myself and got into the entire experience; she said she enjoyed it but she takes her workouts extremely seriously and seemed more interested in the mechanics of the movements but I don't know what she got out of it overall.

One of the things that the instructor said multiple times throughout the time was for each of us to "do you."  He said that he and his two back-up dancers were up on stage performing "suggestions" on ways to move however, if we felt compelled to move another way to go for it.  There were even times in the different songs that he said "do you" and it was an opportunity to do whatever we wanted to in that moment.  Before we even started the class, he had us get on the floor and place our hand on the wood while he told some crazy story about the wood being from 1700 B.C. and that it was sacred and some other nonsense; but then he said because it was "sacred," we were in a space of no judgement and he hoped that he would be able to lead us in not only a physical workout experience but an emotional experience as well.  I thought that was very cool.  There were people of all shapes, sizes, age, ability, everything there but before we even began, we were told we could feel comfortable in our own skin in his class and he gave us permission to be ourselves.  Even though I belly dance, there are often times that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin so it was nice to have that reminder from him.

There were times in the class that I started to get a little frustrated with myself because I wasn't picking up the dance moves like I wanted to (they were songs that I hadn't done before) but then I reminded myself that it wasn't important to perfect the moves it was important to enjoy the overall experience.  Not only did I work up a sweat during the hour but I felt as if I was able to embrace what he wanted us to get out of the time he was leading us in the dancing.  I think it definitely helped remind me that it's okay to be myself and whatever version of myself that I want to be and that should be enough - no one else needs to approve. 

This reminder was especially important after this past week at work.  Because my assistant director has been on vacation, I worked from open to close for all of last week (and have to do again tomorrow); which meant last week I worked 65.25 hours and got paid for 40 of them (gotta love salary) and tomorrow will be another 13 hour day.  Because I have still been sick and exhausted, it forced me into a pretty dark space mentally and emotionally and I wrote some things on a post-it note one day out of frustration.  Part of me is glad that I didn't hand the post-it note to my boss but part of me wishes that I would have.  This is what the post-it note said (I write really small so it all fit on one post-it):  "There are times where i feel as if the system itself is so far broken that not even someone with my level of knowledge/expertise can fix it.  How much more time/energy should be invested into what feels as if it is a sinking ship?  At what point do you say there are too many holes for one person to plug themselves as the ship is underwater before you drown?  i am not one tho easily or willingly wants to give up but at what point does it become about self preservation?"  In a way it kind of shocked me that not only was I able to write what I was feeling down but that I was also able to accurately explain how I was feeling.

I sent a photo of the post-it note to one of my brothers who, after we texted back and forth a little about it, told me I could change/adapt or I could fade away - there really isn't a third option.  While I know he's right, the thought of it definitely scares me.  If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time (or if you're family), you know that I don't do change well and, depending on the change, I can shut down completely.  At this point, I need to determine what I can/will accept and what I can't/won't and go from there.  I'm not exactly sure what all that is going to entail but I am going to work on it.

Because I have been tired/sick I used today as a "be a bum" day and didn't do much of anything.  I know that a day such as today has been well earned/deserved but it also leaves me feeling slightly guilty about not accomplishing much.  I haven't really spent much time looking for a place to live mostly because it's depressing realizing that I can't afford much (especially after paying my first health insurance premium this week and also paying for 1.5 years of my car registration) and it's also depressing feeling as if I'm failing in different aspects of my life.

Rather than getting into all of that tonight, I am going to focus on the experience from yesterday and find opportunities to "do me" this week and I hope you, my dear readers, can find/embrace opportunities to "do you!"  =)