"You are the weakest link, goodbye!"

There are times that I wish I could just make things stop.  I wish I could stop the chaos at work.  I wish I could stop the crazy at the dance studio.  I wish I could stop the pressures I put on myself.  Since that makes three wishes, I'm going to stop there - I also want to stop because I don't want it to seem as if I'm feeling overly sorry for myself...

At work, we just finished week 6 of 8 of summer programming and I ended up working Monday - Saturday for approximately a 72.5 hour work week.  Boy am I tired...  I know not sleeping well is also and attributing factor but I know a lot of being tired is from just too much.  I have had a certain friend this past week tell me that she can't help me anymore if I don't get my depression under control and I responded to her that I don't feel as if I'm depressed but that I am suffering from burnout.  Now I'm not an expert, so there may be some depression involved but I think the bulk of what I have going on is burnout.  I have heard before that burnout comes when someone who executes tasks with passion and they push themselves beyond the point of having anything left to give they experience burnout.  I feel as if that is where I am.

When I was talking with my Mom today, she and I came to the realization that in no area of my life do I have the opportunity to just "coast" or that I'm not being called upon in one way or another to be the "expert."  Because of this, I don't have the opportunity to "switch off," relax and to help avoid the burnout.  I'm also so busy picking up the work of others that I don't seem to have time to breathe at times let alone get the tasks accomplished that are my responsibility.  There are times I wish I had the opportunity to tell people, "you are the weakest link, goodbye!" and either have them disappear through some sort of a trapdoor or to be able to have a robot with a laser take care of them (thanks, Doctor Who for that idea).  Maybe I will just have to work on having that as a metal image in those situations I find myself in since I can't actually make it happen...

This past week, while I was driving home after a very long day at work, a song came on the radio that I had never heard before but it resonated with me down to my core.  It's been awhile since I've come across a song like that and luckily I was at a red light so I could grab my phone and figure out what song it was.  The song is called "Stand in the Light" and it is by the artist Jordan Smith.  The song itself is powerful but then I searched for and watched the music video when I got home and I was almost moved to tears.  In the song it says, "stand in the light and be seen as we are," which is something that we all (me included) struggle with at times.  It's nice to have the song as a reminder and it has already found it's way onto my music playlist.

I think because I've been busy/stressed/burned out, I haven't made myself as much of a priority.  Granted, I have started to get my hair colored again (which has been lots of fun) as well as I've been getting my nails done.  I got my nails done this past Saturday and the color I picked the nail technician tried to talk me out of because it's not a color they use often but it's a lot of fun - it's a hot pink color and it definitely stands out.  A saying I came across that I am going to work on embracing is "stand up and own who you are."  This is something I am going to work on and I am going to find a way somehow to make myself a priority.

With this process, Mom and I thought something that might help is finding a situation where I wouldn't be seen as an "expert" and I can just relax into the moment.  As a perfectionist, I would have to leave that at the door, but I do think it would be good for me overall.  One of the situations I've considered is attending one of those wine/painting nights and go into it realizing that I'm going to end up with a bad painting but at least I'll get a drink or two out of it.  But I do think it would be beneficial in the long run (even if someone would be telling me, "you are the weakest link, goodbye!").

Since I have another long week ahead, I should probably bring this to a close and attempt to get some sleep tonight.  I'm not sure how well that's going to go but I'm going to give it my best effort.  Thanks for joining me, my dear readers and I hope you don't have anyone telling you, "you are the weakest link, goodbye!" and if you do, just smile and be who you are!  =)