Who am I?

This song (Who am I?) from one of my favorite musicals, Les Miserables, has been resonating with me recently.  If you don't know the song or the musical, in this song, the main character is questioning different facets of his life.  He's also questioning who he is as a man based on a critical decision he is faced with.  Now granted, I have never been faced with the life or death decision/situation that Jean Valjean (the main character) but I can understand the questioning of who you are.

I've heard the phrase, "just be you - life is too hard for you to be anyone else" and it also stuck with me this past week.  I have definitely been working on trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life but I haven't fully decided that yet.  I have been debating for awhile now about going back to school (even if it's online) but I'm questioning if adding one more thing to my life right now would be the right move.  Because I am a perfectionist, I don't want to set myself up for failure by adding way too much on to my plate (and to do it to myself).

I had felt refreshed coming back from my conference but things have begun to pile up at work again so I feel some of that feeling of being refreshed melting away.  And while I have a bit of a break coming up, I don't know how restful it's going to be...  In just under a month, I get to make a whirlwind trip back to see the family (YAY!) but in that whirlwind trip, it's for my sister's wedding.  I will be leaving here on a Wednesday night, getting there Thursday morning, wedding is Saturday and I will be flying back Tuesday (to be back at work Wednesday).  Don't get me wrong - I love my sister - but adding one more whirlwind to my life right now is overwhelming.  I am trying very hard not to let this overly stress me since it's her wedding, but realistically this is the first wedding I will be attending since my divorce and I'm a bridesmaid in it and I'm just feeling.... I don't know how I'm feeling about it all...  I will be there for her, her new husband and her two kids but I'm sure, on some level, I believe it will be weird and painful...

I didn't realize I was feeling this way towards her wedding until just now when I wrote it.  I know that at some point, I really do need to move past my divorce and all of the ickiness that's associated with it but this is the first wedding I've been to since it all happened and I'm not exactly sure what emotions it's going to bring back to the surface.  I don't want to work myself into a point where I'm making a bigger deal about this than I need for it to be but I want to prepare myself for it so it doesn't sneak up on me where I either blow up or I shut down.  Maybe I'm making a bigger deal about this in my head than it will be but I'm not sure about that - really only time will tell...

I definitely want to give more consideration in this upcoming week in regards to the question I posed as this posts title.  Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was flipping through my movies and came across Gypsy (the movie which inspired my writing pseudonym) and I watched it.  As I watched Gypsy's transformation, I began to feel a little rekindling happen.  I also felt a little dance rekindling as I was the substitute dance teacher today - there were three relatively new dancers in the class and the three other dancers have been dancing for a bit but are still "baby" dancers due to performance inexperience.  We played with veils this morning (not something that is typically my "go to" prop) and we worked on our "dancer's walk."  It was so refreshing to have the dancers tell me how much fun they had in class and how much they learned in the hour and a half I spent with them.  I will have to try and remember that feeling as I go into this upcoming work week.

Speaking of the upcoming work week, I should probably bring this to a close so I can think about heading to bed.  I have a week filled with meetings and planning and an additional work day - we have an all day event on Saturday and then like a dummy, I have a planned dance gig that evening.  I'm going to be tired...  I hope you have a muchness filled week and I will see you on the flip side - hopefully then, I'll have a slight hold on who I am...  =)