Chewed up and spit out...

Not a very ladylike title I know but it's definitely how I've been feeling this week...  I have felt as if decisions I have made have been questioned at every turn to the point where I'm questioning myself and it has left me doubting myself in almost every aspect of my being...  Things that I thought I had a handle on I feel, because of self doubt, have slipped through my grasp and I'm left clinging to the edge of a precipice.  That may be slightly melodramatic but I feel as if my grip has been slipping...

I'm am currently writing in the middle if the night because I cannot sleep.  I'm hoping that if I get some thoughts down on paper that it may lead me to being able to at least get a few hours of sleep tonight as I do have to get up relatively early to run to a neighboring town and be a substitute dance instructor and then run back here to sing in the church choir.  While I am looking forward to teaching this class (it's a wonderful group of women and I adore the woman who has asked me to teach in her absence) I feel as if I have let the teacher (and also her class) down because I haven't had an opportunity to learn the choreography they are working on and I was asked to teach.  I sent a note to the instructor telling her I would completely understand if she wanted to try and find another substitute since I feel as if I let her down by not learning this dance but she still wants me to teach so I guess that's a plus...  Maybe I, once again, am just being to hard on myself...

I have a tendency to focus on perfection rather than progress and with how I've been feeling lately this is something I definitely need to learn how to change.  Because of feeling this way, I have felt "me" fading away behind my protective walls and allowing those around me to affect me in ways that I don't like.  I have found myself apologizing for how I've been feeling on more than one occasion, once again taking on monkeys that don't belong to me and I have even had someone at work leave me on the verge of tears.  What's happening to me?!  Whatever it is, I need to work towards figuring it out because I don't like feeling this way.

Many people have told me that if I don't like how I'm feeling or how a situation is unfolding that I should just change how I'm feeling or change the circumstances of the situation.  Neither one of those options is easy.  I don't know about you but I have never been one who can change my emotions or how I'm feeling at the drop of a hat or as if by switching on/off a light.  Maybe one of the reasons I have this internal struggle is I can be a bit of a grudge holder and in being a perfectionist maybe I'm holding a grudge against myself for "failing"..... Time out...  That thought is too deep for the middle of the night; I think I just caused my brain to implode a little bit...

At this point in my writing, I decided it was time to head to bed last night (it was almost 1:30 am when I called it quits).  I just reread what I wrote last night and for writing in the middle of the night, I didn't end up changing much because I allowed myself to write how I was feeling.  I'm actually pretty surprised at how coherent my thoughts were since I was writing that late.  There are times when I'm writing that I either get distracted and lose my train of thought or I want to find the "perfect" way to word something that I write and rewrite a sentence over and over.  When I was writing last night I didn't do that - I just wrote.  I encourage other people to express themselves and then there are times I have trouble doing so - either because I want it to be "perfect" or I don't feel as if people want to read what I have to write.

I think one of the things I need to do is give myself permission.  Permission to take some time for me.  Permission to feel how I'm feeling.  Permission to fail.  Permission to leave the headaches of work at work.  Permission to say "no."  Permission to say "yes" to something I really want to do.  Permission to go for it.  Permission to be me...  Maybe if I do some of these things, I will feel better and not feel as if I've been chewed up and spit out.

Well my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight since I was up late writing and I have a long week ahead of me.  I hope that you have a wonderful week and give yourself permission to be you.  Thank you, once again, for joining me along my quest...  =)