Duality

As I've been sitting here thinking about what to write about this week, the same word keeps coming to my head.  That word is "duality" so I think that's what I'm supposed to write about this week...  I know that I over the last several weeks/months I have been giving information about my day-to-day happenings or things that I wish could change but I don't feel as if I've written about anything really introspective for awhile.  Today is going to change that I think.  If you were looking for a fun/playful post, maybe you should stop reading now because I don't think that's the post I'll be writing tonight...

I know I've written before about feeling as if there have to be two different sides to me -- the "work me" and the "me" that I really am.  That has become increasingly more evident at work lately.  With my current position at work (management even if right now it's just temporarily) I have had to cultivate portions of my personality that don't come naturally to me.  There are times that I almost feel as if I'm a pretend version of me in order to keep people (both those that work for me currently and those who are above me management-wise) happy.  I know that I can get very focused on the tasks in front of me and I don't like to be bothered when I am in "the zone."  Because of being in this position, I have to drop whatever I'm doing whenever someone needs something (even if it's something that I think could wait).  If I get frustrated, I'm not allowed to show that frustration and I have to push those feelings aside in order to focus on their needs.  I also feel as if I have to keep a smile plastered on my face no matter what.

I'm not naturally a bubbly/giggly person so I find it difficult at times to keep a smile on my face at all times.  That may seem odd coming from an admitted people pleaser such as myself but it's just not in my personality to be that bubbly all the time.  I actually find it exhausting to be that person all the time.  As of tomorrow I am going to a more "normal" schedule and will only be working 8 hour days and I think that will definitely help (I've been working 12 hour days for lots of weeks now...) but I know that it won't fix everything.  Maybe instead of fighting this duality in personality that I'm feeling right now, I need to embrace the "work me" and just know that that's who I need to be at work but that doesn't mean that's who I have to be all of the time...  I feel this pull of duality in being a people pleaser all the time.

I have set certain physical and weight loss goals and some of those goals I feel as if I have had to set in order to please others.  I see it as failure when I physically can't keep up with those goals in the time frame I originally gave myself.  I know that I have to look at is a lifestyle change and not a "quick fix" but I do get frustrated at times when I'm not necessarily seeing the results that I want to see.  Yes, I wrote last week that the sizes on clothes are just a number (or that's how they need to be looked at) and I guess I have struggled with that epiphany a little as the week went on.  I need to get back to the thoughts about body image I had last week...

I guess another aspect of this duality is this battle I seem to have with myself.  There are times I think I'm a people pleaser who really doesn't like to be a people pleaser and there are times I wonder if I'm any good at it or not.  That's something for me to ponder this upcoming week I think.

On that note, I have more that I could write about but I think that I'm going to head to bed and get ready for the week ahead.  I hope that we all have opportunities to work on our muchness this week!