work, work, work

Over the last two weeks, I put in so many hours of OT at work that I feel as if I should be doing a residency to become a doctor...  The next few weeks are going to be the same.  We have some huge projects going on at work and I am doing my best to help tackle them.  I spent the last week at work setting up what I need in order to get one huge project going and this next week is going to have me assembling the skeleton of the project and getting as much work done each day as I possibly can.  I have a plan of action that I feel pretty good about so we'll see how much I get accomplished...

Even with working so many hours, I'm still trying to find a balance between work, home, dance, stress and just life in general.  I did get a little bit more sleep this past week but I do know that it wasn't all restful sleep so that's something for me to work on.  I wish there was a way for me to just turn my brain off before going to bed but there unfortunately isn't.  I think maybe I need to go back to something I did when I was in college -- I started each day with a "to do" list.  I crossed off what I was able to accomplish and at the end of the day, whatever I didn't accomplish went onto the next days list.  Even though I was a full time student with a part time job when I was in college, I slept more than I do now.  Maybe the list was helpful.  I don't know why I didn't think about doing that before now but it's worth a shot anyway...

I had something come up at work this past week that hasn't come up in some time -- there is someone relatively new and the subject of my divorce came up (just in "getting to know you" conversation).  As I was talking with them about it, they looked at me and said, "you know you didn't deserve that, right?  You, as a person, didn't deserve that and you are worthy of so much more."  Their statement caught me off guard.  There are days that I know that I didn't deserve how the divorce came to be and there are still those days that I do go back to that 'dark' place of feeling as if I did/do somehow deserve it.  Although I still have some days when I go back to the thought of blaming myself, I definitely see it as making progress that those days are fewer and far between as they used to be -- and that's a very good thing.

When the dark days come, I just have to remind myself how far I've come yet still be okay with having those dark days.  I used to focus on having the bad days and that being anti-progress of some sort.  I'm learning that having those bad days are alright and I will be able to overcome them along with everything else I have.  I am quickly approaching one of the biggest milestones yet from all of this divorce mess and I can't wait to tell you about it, dear readers but I'm going to wait until it happens (in just about 2 weeks) before I write about it.  Sorry, that I just mentioned it and am leaving it hanging but I really want to wait until it happens before I write more about it (it's been 5 years so I think I can wait 2 more weeks...).

On that note, my dear readers, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight before I write more than I "should."  ;)  I hope you have a fabulous week and I will write more next week.