Road to Adulthood

Why is it that the road to adulthood is a treacherous one?  I mean, I understand that it's not supposed to necessarily easy to make it to adulthood but should it feel as if it is a road that is laced with death traps?  Oaky, maybe death traps is an over-exaggeration but it definitely makes a visual impact...  I'm not completely disillusioned in expecting the road to adulthood would be all sunshine and unicorns and rainbows but occasionally those things would be nice; maybe that's it's own form of disillusionment....

I'm sure part of feeling this way stems from currently fighting with a friend long-distance because she doesn't understand why I'm not happy and I need to fix it.  I don't know if she was hoping if by living vicariously through me she would gather the strength to make her the cross country move that she's longing to make and she's disappointed that it didn't just all magically fall into place for me when I moved or what it is.  She's often told me at different points over our friendship that I need to learn how to be happy.  I've asked her before what she means by that - sometimes she answers and sometimes she doesn't - but today she just told me to figure out how to be happy.

There are times that it's intriguing to think of emotions as if they were different switches and that I could chose to turn them on and off.  Even if that was possible, I don't know if that's something I would want to do.  Part of what makes us human is the unexpected emotion that could hit at any time - sure sometimes they are not the emotion you want to feel at any particular time but we're not robots.  I'm not exactly sure where I was going to go with that train of thought but there it is...

I spent the bulk of this weekend either doing things for work or working so I don't necessarily feel as if I had a weekend.  Yesterday I babysat for one of my nephews and my niece so my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law and her parents could all go out to eat and discuss childcare arrangements as my sister-in-law is preparing to go back to work before too long.  It was fun to watch both of them and my sister-in-law brought me food back from the restaurant so it wasn't too bad of an afternoon.  Today I spent time building a sensory table with my Dad to take into work and then Mom and I went shopping for things to put in the sensory table (plastic dinosaurs/frogs, scoops, beans, rice, bowls with spoons, etc.).  I'm hoping the kids will enjoy playing with it as much as I think they will.  I'm slightly frustrated that all of the supplies have come out of my pocketbook but if the kids have fun with the items, some of that frustration might fade away.

The next two Fridays, I will have the opportunity to spend some time with my other three nephews as I babysit them so my sister and brother-in-law can go out.  I'm hoping I don't fall asleep while I'm watching them since I will work a full day at my job, hopefully run home to change clothes before running over to their house and watch the boys until who knows what time.  If nothing else, it gives me a reason to tell work that I have to leave mostly on time for the next couple of Friday nights and that I'll be unable to work from 5 am - 6:10 pm like I did this past Friday...

Well, my dear readers, the road to adulthood is calling me and saying that I need to finish laundry before I can head to bed at hopefully a decent time so I can (once again, hopefully) get some sleep before starting my work week very early tomorrow.  On the plus side, tomorrow I am supposed to have someone start at work who has been earmarked to be the director's assistant; which means she will basically be helping me achieve anything random to my day that comes up - if someone calls out and I don't have coverage, she'll be it; if I need someone to cover a lunch, she'll do that; need someone to answer phones if I'm unavailable, her job again - hope she lasts...

Thank you for joining me, my dear readers.  Just to give you a heads up, I am debating taking a hiatus for a little bit but I will hopefully let you know before that happens...

Magic is almost gone...

It's been one of those weeks where, once again, the magic has mostly run out and I just barely was able to make things work on a daily basis.  Each day I had multiple staff call out and I was called upon to make the schedule work.  I'm not exactly sure how I am expected to continue to keep making things work but the fact that I've been able to each time it happens makes it difficult to convince others that things cannot continue along this path.  Hopefully we'll have some new staff start soon and that will help with some things but only time will tell...

I took a couple of opportunities to branch out some this past week by joining a new member's class at my parent's church and I went to a rehearsal for one of the handbell choirs also at the church.  The new member's class was interesting and over the next few weeks, I'm supposed to attend 2 or three more (I'd have to check the calendar).  As for handbells, I felt like somewhat of a failure there...  I had told the director that I had been part of a handbell choir before but it was a small group and the director marked music - this is a large group, the music isn't marked at all and because of time, he doesn't have time to wait for anyone.  He had placed me in a part I hadn't played before, wanted me to play four bells at one time, while using techniques I hadn't been taught before.  After about five minutes, he removed me from that position and had someone tutor me on learning bass chimes - we'll see how that works out in the long run...

Even though I had never learned what I was expected to know, I felt like a failure and like I was demoted from the part from bells to the chimes.  I know that I need to get to the point where I embrace the chime part but I'm not there currently.  Hopefully I will get to that point before the next rehearsal this week.

Yesterday was a bright spot in the bleak week because some of my family members gathered at my youngest brother's house for food and family fun.  We spent several hours playing video games, some balloon game my nephew invented and eating yummy food prepared by my brother and sister-in-law. Days like that definitely help to boost my spirits and I hope that I can carry those feelings into this upcoming week.

I have been beating myself up quite a bit this past week for things that were out of my control and it's been somewhat difficult to separate all of the reasoning behind feeling this way.  I know that I have felt beaten down by things happening at work as well as feeling somewhat like a loser for not being able to afford a house I have fallen in love with and I'm sure that it also stems from not getting enough sleep - again....  Since I'm behind on sleep, I should put the computer away for tonight in an attempt to head to bed.  Hopefully sleep will not elude me tonight...